Haruki Murakam said “Everyone has to start somewhere.” My somewhere is a place I never thought I would be at this point in my life. I used to have it all together (well, sort of) and I absolutely used to think I had everything figured out. Well, things change and now I seem to find myself somewhere embarrasingly abysmal.

Today I began my day with seven shots of cheap brown booze followed by leftovers from Olive Garden, a French-dip sandwich, and a plate of nachos. Um, ew. Just typing that out makes me feel nauseous. And typing that out makes me realize how deep my fucking issues are which is terrifying to me. (Side note: this blogging process is going to be enriched with self realizations galore. I’m forecasting that most will not be good ones. Yikes!) 

Allllll of that food was then followed by a giant nap that will likely have me staring at the ceiling until 2 a.m. tonight. And while I am laying there I will ask myself, as I often do, “Why are you like this? Why are you doing this to yourself?”. I never have an answer that I feel is great enough to justify my actions. Then I tend to spiral into a depression and think of all the bad things that have happened in my life- at least the ones I remember. It makes me feel worse. I generally try to calm the thoughts and ease to sleep by being kind to myself with “You deserve better. You are strong enough to make the right decisions.”. Then I wake up and do it all over again… That is, as long as I don’t have school.

I attend college in my city and I’m getting my degree in Accounting & Finance, THRILLING I know. But I honestly really enjoy it and I’m very good at it when I don’t let alcohol get in the way of things. When I have school, I will just drink the night before and then slug my way to class in the morning after I drop my son off at school. And at this point you’re probably like–what the fuck, you have a kid and you drink like that?!? Yeah. I never let him see me lit but he’s definitely seen me hungover. Fun plans have been cancelled because I’ve been hungover. Events have been missed because I’m hungover. I feel like half of the time I’m hungover.  Embarrasingly abysmal. 

But something in me shifted today. I woke up from that disgusting alcohol and food binge induced nap and something was different. I can’t keep fucking doing this anymore, I can’t. I’m 27 and I’ve got so much time ahead of me and an amazing son that I want to be with for as long as possible. I have literally been killing myself for the past two years with binge eating/drinking and I’ve had enough. I’m throwing in the fucking towel and I’m going to change my life. 

If you’ve made it through this incredibly junky ramble off of exactly what I’m feeling in this moment, my goodness, THANK YOU! I am seeking therapy and other help during this journey but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about any of this with as I have been EXTREMELY private with this aspect of my lifestyle. This blog will help me get my thoughts out, just like my diaries used to growing up, and if no one reads it but me- then a diary it shall be! 

Day ONE in the books. Drank this morning, yes, but not going to drink tonight. Binged all the food this morning, not going to binge tonight.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.